


Walk By

by thomasjeffersonsmacaroni



Series: The Other 51 [16]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, what even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 06:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9588143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thomasjeffersonsmacaroni/pseuds/thomasjeffersonsmacaroni
Summary: Meet him. Fall in love with him. And then, make a mistake and lose him.





	

When you see him first, standing on a table and drunkenly shouting about some sort of new governmental plan, ignore him. You see many such drunks at the pub. He isn't the first.

Walk by. But then, stop in your tracks. Turn around. Notice how he is different.

Notice the shine in his eyes. Notice the fire that burns inside of him, so hot that sparks fly out of his mouth at an impossible speed.

Notice that bravery, that wit, that ingenuity, all of those things that you only wish you had.

Notice them. Think about them. And when he approaches you and asks you for your name, tell him that it is Aaron Burr.

Accept his number when he gives it to you. Save it in your contacts as "Alexander Hamilton."

Do not forget this moment. And do not worry. It will not forget you.

 

See him around campus, talking to the same group of people. See him fighting his professors, his fellow students, basically everyone whose opinion even slightly differs from his own. And see his eyes pass you by, see him not even notice you, not even tell you apart from the other members of the student body, and pretend it does not hurt that he forgot you so easily.

Tell yourself that it is okay. It is your fault, for not being memorable. You aren't special. You're just you, a human on the ground looking up at the universe of him.

Move through your classes. There is nothing you can do.

 

When he taps you on the shoulder during break one day, look over at him and smile and ask him what he needs. Listen as he apologizes for ignoring you, apologizes and says that he was too shy to approach you, and as he asks how your day was.

Accept his apology and give one of your own, wondering how you managed to slip into such deep self-hatred over someone you met for five minutes. Then tell him that your day went fine, which is true.

Somehow begin to tell him about your asshole teachers, and your new puppy named Theodosia after your dead girlfriend, and the new Star Wars movie that you finally got a chance to see last night. Sit on the green and trade stories and laughs and glances, and look up at the afternoon sky as you feel a friendship budding.

Meet his girlfriend, Eliza, and her sisters Angelica and Peggy. Meet his friends, John Laurens, Gilbert Lafayette, and Hercules Mulligan. Have him introduce you as "my friend Aaron," feel their smiles on you, and feel your heart getting warmer and warmer as you finally feel like you belong.

Go on dog walks with him. His dog is named Philip, and he quickly befriends your own Theo. Joke that if they get married, the two of you will be related. Plan the dog wedding. Sketch out dog children.

Yes, like that. Aren't they so cute?

Love them with all your heart. Love Philip with all your heart.

And, even though you don't know it yet, fall in love with Alexander Hamilton.

 

Tear yourself apart over it. He has a girlfriend whom he loves very much. And you should be satisfied with just being his friend.

Try to ignore it. And ignore him. Maybe it'll work.

Tell him that you've been busy studying when he comes to your dorm and asks if everything is okay. Do not tell him the truth. Why would you tell him the truth?

Your feelings don't stop. And nothing seems okay.

But do not tell him that. There are certain secrets that you should keep from even the closest of your friends.

 

Ignore the love as it festers and grows. Push it aside, bottle it up and shove it in a box, smash the box into pieces with a hammer.

Whatever metaphor is best for you. It is the one thing that I will not give you.

Watch him with Eliza. Watch them hold hands, watch them kiss, watch them be the best couple that you have ever seen.

A perfect couple. A perfect guy, a perfect girl, a perfect love. And an imperfect homewrecker standing to the side.

 

Explode. One day, while you are talking to him, and your dogs are in your laps sniffing each other, explode out of your seat, all of the love that you were hiding away coming out in a flash and stabbing you from the inside. Kiss him on the lips, one arm draping around behind him and forcing him into you, and do not think about every single consequence that there is for what you have just done.

Be surprised when he kisses you back. Be surprised when he does not pull away. Be surprised, be surprised, be surprised, when he moans into you and falls apart under your touch, when his hand traces itself over the curves of your body, when his tongue shamelessly enters your mouth and intertwines with your own.

Hear a knock on the door, but ignore it. You are too focused on him to notice anything. And judging by the way that he keeps going, he is too focused on you.

Hear someone enter. Look over and see that it is Alexander’s Eliza.

Feel him push you away, off of your bed and onto the floor. Hear her scream. Hear _him_ scream.

Stand up on shaky legs, grabbing Theo into your arms without thinking about it, and run away, almost falling over again and again and again.

Be disgusted with yourself. _Be disgusted with yourself._ You are a homewrecker, a destroyer of relationships, an awful person who doesn’t deserve to be alive.

Pretend it doesn’t hurt when you try to call Alexander and you get a voice message that tells you that he blocked you. It will only be the start of a long line of pretending.

 

Pretend that you are sick when you stay home and cry for a couple of weeks at least. Pretend that you have friends other than him and his. Pretend that you’re in a rush to your next class when you bump into any of them. And most importantly, hug Theo when you are at home watching Netflix and pretend that you are not crying.

 

Go to the pub again, even though it hurts to see him there. At first he is with the usual group, and that is when you hide in the bathroom and sit on your phone. Then, he is alone, and you see him drinking more and more alcohol than usual.

It is none of your concern. Walk by, even though every step is like a stab in your gut. Walk by, even though you wish that you could go to him and comfort him and ask him what’s wrong. Walk by, walk by, walk by.

Talk less and smile more. It is what you do.

 

See him on campus. For once, he is without any of his friends. See him glance at you and open his mouth as if to say something, but then see him ignore you and look away.

Feel an intense feeling of something being wrong. Feel as if you need to go to him, talk to him, talk things out just like you had wanted to from the moment that he had pushed you away. But ignore it, even though ignoring things had never helped you in the past. In fact, ignoring things was what had gotten you in this mess in the first place.

See him drowning in his cups, then drowning in his bottles. See him buying more alcohol and downing it all, somehow avoiding overconsumption and a trip to the hospital, but coming too close to it for comfort. See these things, and most importantly see him try to approach you. But just ignore them. Do not worry.

And then-

Wait. What are you doing? I told you not to go to him. I told you to push him out of your life.

Come back. Don’t sit down next to him, don’t tap him on his shoulder, no, don’t do that, _don’t do that._

You are talking to him. And he is looking up at you, and there is no anger on his face, only sadness.

He is crying, crying into your shoulder, and you are placing a hand on his back and allowing him to. And when you pull away, you are taking away the bottle that he is chugging from, and you are holding it over a trash can and throwing it away.

He does not care. In fact, as the vodka spills over the garbage bag, he even seems relieved.

And now he is in your car, and you are driving him to the dorms, but when you guide him, it is not to his, but to yours.

You allow him to sleep in your bed. And when he wakes up in the morning, you will talk to him again and again and again.

Together, you will put the pieces back together into the castle that you shattered. Together, you will guide him back to his friends, and to Eliza, though they will not get back together romantically. And there are a million times that I could tell you to pull away, but I will not. Not because I don’t want to see it end in tragedy, but because I am sure that you have stopped listening.

Define your own fate. That is the last order that I can possibly give you.


End file.
